disgust

[guingel]

Today as I was going up the stairs exiting the subway when I got home from work, a guy touched my ass. It really upset me. It fucking sucked. I felt really powerless - like, it wasn't a pinch or anything so i felt like he could claim it was an accident - cos it was more like he brushed against me. Except that he had just paused on the landing, and I thought he was just waiting for someone or adjusting his shoe or whatever, so I went in front of him and he immediately started up right behind me. So then afterwards I felt stupid, too, like I shouldn't have let him do that.

I just stopped short and made him go in front of me the rest of the way, but I wish I'd done something else. His pants were, like, around his knees so I thought about just hooking a belt loop and pulling them down. But I thought that would just cause more trouble than it was worth. I should have said something, though. I wish my first reaction had been to shout something.

As I said in an IM conversation earlier, it's so sickening. I was wearing a skirt, therefore he thinks he has the right to touch me. I wasn't in any danger, there were lots of people around, so it's not like I really felt threatened, and I certainly wasn't physically injured. It just left me feeling vulnerable and used for his creepy desires and disgusted and just shaken.

::sigh:: Thanks for trying to ruin my week, fucker.


Hopefully I'll bounce back, I wanna do something fun on Sunday. 80s pop songs were very helpful, as was the magnificence of Nikola Tesla. I will probably write more about him in the near future. He's like Shackleton if Shackleton was evil and a mad scientist who invented electromagnetism. By which I mean he's a historical figure who is larger than life and stranger than fiction.


Ugh. Shit. I hate the feeling that this guy thought my body was his to touch. Maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal, or maybe people have this happen to them all the time (I hope not) but it doesn't happen to me often and it sucks. And shouldn't happen.

Comments

[kegom.livejournal.com]

Ugh, I know how you feel, this has happened to me a few times too. >.<" (Various parts of my body, most notably another teenager suddenly groping my breast when I was twelve.)

It really sucks, but what helps me is that I've come to the conclusion that

a.) It isn't my fault, not for not reacting differently, nor for dressing like I do. Oftentimes in such a situation, there is either no time to react properly, or it is really inconvenient to react in any way. Of course that's what these guys are counting on (that the groped person won't make a fuss because it's not convenient), but especially when you're in motion it's really hard to nail a groper. :( And about that dressing thing - honestly, it's not your fault for dressing in a skirt. It's that guy's fault for wanting to grope a girl, no matter if she's in a skirt, pants or a bikini, or whatever. Maybe the clothes make him decide on his victim (not likely, I personally think, because there are some girls who dress very revealingly, but guys are afraid to touch them, for some reason), but I'm very sure he had the intention for groping someone before he saw a girl in a skirt (or whatever else the groped person wore).

b.) Those guys are sick perverts and even other guys think like that. Honestly, all of the guys I know are absolutely horrified when I tell them about the times I got groped, because they would never do something like that. These gropers don't act out "normal" male instincts, they act out their own little sick ideas - which means that, again, it's not the girl's fault for being groped.


Those points actually help me feel better, because being groped sucks and makes me angry, but it's not my own fault that those guys did it, and I personally like to think that they're probably doing it because they're pathetic little men who'd never get someone the normal way, because their peens are too small and they're too smelly and unpleasant for any sane person to stay with them. ;P

[guingel.livejournal.com]

Those are excellent points. Obviously several days later I feel much better - really, what happened to me was one of the most harmless varieties of a really serious problem. So on the one hand, I feel like I was a big fucking deal, but in terms of its affects on me it's not like it was scarring or anything. And you're right - it wasn't my fault.

And point b does make me feel better (I was already calling him a filthy pervert in my head, though!) - I know that not all guys are like that, but it's nice to hear it confirmed. :) Although I did recently quote you to someone who saying maybe the guy in ONE OK ROCK who groped someone, it was just a fluke and it's deserving of punishment but also a second chance cos he was young and drunk. And I do think it's a little more serious than that, because as you say, not all guys would do this, even given the opportunity.

(Various parts of my body, most notably another teenager suddenly groping my breast when I was twelve.)

Oh my god, that sounds like it would be terrifying. :(

[elyndys.livejournal.com]

Not that it makes a difference, but I think he probably didn't think he had the right to touch you - I doubt that sort of thing very much matters to him, cos he's just a creepy bastard. :|

I also reiterate everything kegom said! :]

[guingel.livejournal.com]

. . . Huh? Maybe he didn't think about if it was right to touch me, but if he didn't think he had the right, he . . . wouldn't have done it. "it's in front of me, I want to touch it, so I will. why not?" He doesn't think "that's not my body, I don't know her, so I should keep my hands off" - he thinks he has the right to touch me if he wants to.

[elyndys.livejournal.com]

Ahh, I see what you're saying - I guess I was thinking of it being more like, if a guy gets pissed off with someone, he doesn't think he has the *right* to punch him in the face - but that doesn't stop him doing it anyway. ...But then me and rights, we have a complicated relationship. XD Legacy of my philosophy degree! ^^'

[guingel.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I wasn't using a technical definition - just trying to pinpoint one of the things that bothers me the most, which is that people like this aren't taught by society that they really should not be touching women whenever they want - that they, well, don't have the right to do so. I think it is getting better. . . there's sort of a vague general awareness that wolf-whistling at women is offensive and stuff? Still a long way to go, though. :(

grrrr

[snortney08.livejournal.com]

kegom's points are right on. it is DEFINITELY not your fault. i think the post-event thoughts about how you didn't say or do anything are so normal. i do that after a fight with someone. or a time where i wish i would have spoken my mind. i always feel like it's because i feel so powerless. and you were NOT 'stupid' to walk in front of a man. women shouldn't have to live on the defensive all the time- though b/c of our sexist and misognystic society it is probably a safer idea. but you shouldn't blame yourself for wanting to walk however you want to walk up a set of stairs. men should worry about where I'M walking in relation to them, goddamnit. your body is your body and no one can claim it but you. but at the end of the day, it doesn't make it feel any less terrible to have it violated. i mean. what happened is def serious- and it's totally ok to be really upset about it! did i ever tell you about the time that i was sexually harrassed, repeatedly, by a corrections officer at one of my jobs. it was terrible- and i was scared to tell my boss...also embarrassed. he never touched me, but just the idea that someone is willfully degrading you and thinks it's ok. it's enraging. but it also makes you an advocate for women's rights and bodies. there's a lot of interesting and empowering feminist theory on women's bodies. and also, interestingly, ecofeminism explores how americans learn how to disrespect the earth and that translates to disrespecting women's bodies. that's a very basic idea- but it's a really interesting and empowering theory. i'm just really really sorry it happened to you :(. if it makes you feel any better- I'M PISSED ABOUT IT! and the whole time i was writing this response, i was fuming at that guy. sexual harrassment is unfortunately everywhere. but talking about it and reminding people that it exists is one of the very best ways to fight it. so you shouldn't feel silenced- lj is a way to empower you! and all the women and people who want to fight for you! <3 <3 <3