(no subject)

[guingel]

I don't think I'm going to go onto AIM today (well, maybe in the evening). I have too much trouble tearing myself away from it, and I'd really like to get some work done on Beowulf. Curse you all for being so interesting!! Yesterday I was online for far too long. ::frowns sternly:: (;

But I have a project to work on! I'm making a Fushigi Yuugi background for Emily's journal (d3c3p7i0n). It's time-consuming, but I'm having a really good time with it :D And it gives me something to do. ::shrugs:: It's just the sort of nit-picky, detail-y thing that I like. (Although I think Emily thinks I'm crazy for doing it :D but she already knows I'm crazy, right, Em?)

Oh, speaking of which. (I'm not exactly sure what "which" is, but there's definitely a link here) tiggspanther: do you still want me to draw your character? Cos I'd love to do it, and I'm sure I can find a more congenial oekaki. Also. . . digimon movies? you need my address? (I mean, I'd give it to you in AIM, not here, but still)

As I mentioned before, I was online for most of the day yesterday, so there's not a whole lot for me to write up. As soon as Emily got back from camp I went over there and we futzed with LJ. we managed to change her comment tags but ran into serious problems when it came to icons: she doesn't have a program that's good for shrinking them. So we mailed them to me, and after supper (mmm. . . chinese food) we went over here to futz.



I'm still not entirely comfortable with David. I've been making excuses not to see him and stuff. Which actually makes me feel slightly relieved,lic it means I wasn't making up all that stuff. And you know, I don't know what the fuck he's trying to do when he says, "Well, neither me nor Laura is particularly nice". O_O aoow!! That really hurts! That is the problem!! This from a boy who said he'd "fixed everything about our relationship and there's nothing else he can do". O.o Unless he can "fix" his personality :-/
I've never been nice. Ugh. And I mean, I'd really, really, really like to think that I'm getting much better, but David always makes me think that I'm not! and that makes me feel crappy! This is how he damages my self esteem--cos he doesn't think I'm a nice person. AUGH!!

Although I know that part of me doesn't want to give up the fact that I stick by my beliefs and have strong opinions. But I'm also. . . I dunno. I can be cranky. And I've really tried to stop, but I dislike so very many people at our school. Which is, I suppose, another failing. :-/ And it can be a problem when people ask my why I don't like someone, and I really can't give a reason. I just don't. Then they act like I'm wrong not to like them. I don't know. I can never give a reason. Then I just feel like a crappy person. And when we were talking about this with David there, he said that I should have a reason. ::sigh::

So he makes me feel bad about myself. And I really don't need any help.

I don't think I'll ever be nice. At school, certainly not. People still think of me as a psychopath. I feel like I've changed, but it doesn't seem to show, and I can't tell. ugh. geez.

whoa. dad just showed up with a cell phone for me. I don't even want a cell phone. They have some type of reason for giving us one, I just can't remember it. I suppose for calling them when we're out or whatever. :-/ what a pain.


and. . . Spooner is repeating comics, right?

Comments

[meiran.livejournal.com]

Don't feel bad about not having a reason to dislike people, sometimes it's hard to pinpoint, but at least you're enough in touch with yourself and your opinions that you don't let other people make them, and you listen to yourself.

Sometimes, you're brain finds something about a person before you even realize it, like a popular girl who ends up backstabbing everybody that you never liked but you weren't sure why. Maybe you just had a reason, you just weren't sure what it was. Maybe it's a tone of voice thing, maybe they remind you of things you don't like about yourself, maybe they speak in a patronizing fashion and you picked up on it without realizing it.

It happens all the time, you can call it what you want, I always say that I "got bad vibes" or "vibed badly" if I don't have a good reason.

People dislike people, it's a way of life and a way of society, we're not all meant to be friends, and that's the way it is. People that pretend to like everyone all the time only end up bitter on the inside and feeling really dumb and fake because they've hid how they really feel.

Or at least, that's my cynical opinion ; )

[guingel.livejournal.com]

thank you--you've relieved me immensely (sp?) Or rather, made me immensely relieved.
that's what I was thinking--that my subconscious could find something that the rest of me couldn't. . . but people always acted like I was at fault, and I, like an idiot, believed them >.<

It's true (about disliking people). I knew this girl who was sooo nice and friendly, and then I realized she just agreed with what everyone around her said. I didn't know a single opinion she had for her own. And if I heard one, I might not beleive her--like, now, if she agreed with me, I'd know she didn't even think about what I'd said.

Yeah, we can't all be friends, and we can't like everyone. But even though I don't like someone, I don't think I'm outright mean to them, so I guess that works pretty well. Like, if I can't like someone, I just try to avoid them--makes both of us happier, I think.

Re:

[meiran.livejournal.com]

: ) I'm glad my advice sometimes works, I tend to babble and have people look at me funny. And believing people when they tell us things about ourselves...I dunno, sometimes I think that might be partially good, because I listen, you know?

I mean, have you ever had a fight with somebody where you try to tell them what they're doing that's bugging you and they're swearing that's NOT what they're doing? Like my old roommate, I would tell her she was subtly insulting me and she'd say I was being too sensitive, stuff like that (only many times a lot worse, she was hard to deal with) and she never would even CONSIDER what I was saying.

Maybe people aren't right, but at least stepping back for a minute and considering what they're saying is important, because life is more than just being by yourself. In the end it's your decision about who you are and why you are that way, but putting other's input in the mix is something valuable.

In this case though, they're wrong ; ) It's so not your fault. But you thought about it, and realized it wasn't, so that makes you better than somebody who does just hate people for no reason (or because they're blond or something) and when told so, goes "Nu-uh, I do not!"

I do that though, try to avoid people that bug me. It just really makes things easier on me in the end, because I don't think the world needs the negative energy of us fighting.

I'm babbling again, shutting up now ; )

[guingel.livejournal.com]

lol. you're spending too much time with me--maybe babbling is contagious ;) but you made more sense than I usually do :D

usually, if I'm having a minor argument like that with someone, or they say something about me, at first I get offended and hurt, and then later I get control of myself and think it over and decide whether their right or not.

it's so difficult to tell someone their bugging you in some way without them getting upset or offended or causing a fight that I usually try to keep my mouth shut about it. . . and then they get on my nerves still, and I get all angry and start a fight for another reason. Then it seems like I'm fighting for no reason--when I'm not, I'm just not saying the real reason. Does that make sense? Point being that it's better to just get it off your chest.

Re:

[meiran.livejournal.com]

Well, I am on a mailing list called Babblers ; ) I try to make sense, I think it comes with 22 years of practice at babbling like an idiot.

It's so hard for people not to jump on the defensive, I especially do it, and it's very difficult for me to fight that impulse, esp. with Zaggy. He'll get upset and say I'm picking on him or yelling at him all day, and I get mad because he thinks I'm being mean, and that's so NOT what I should do.

And it is better to just say why you're fighting, the only problem is when it bites you in the rear after you decide it's not worth fighting about. I told my old roomie once that I wasn't hanging out with her because she was changing me and making me into somebody I didn't want to be. We settled the argument eventually (or gave up) and two weeks later, there were my words to support her argument when I wished she'd drop it.

I just hate arguing with people.

[tiggspanther.livejournal.com]

"I don't think I'll ever be nice."

Well, whether you're nice or not, I like you!
And I only like people who are actually worth it. So if I like you, then you must have something going for ya! :)

[guingel.livejournal.com]

wow! thank you very much! :D ::adds back::

::smells rose and plays with monkey::
monkey monkey monkey!

[guingel.livejournal.com]

thank you :D that means a lot to me :)
(I like you too!)

[d3c3p7i0n.livejournal.com]

I don't know if I have something necessarily to cheer you up about David....I can't say much about him. What I can say is that I agree with Meiran. We're not all meant to be friends. The ppl at our school are pricks, what are ya gonna do. I like your personality, and anybody that says you're a psycopath can kiss my ass and obviously is thinking out of their own.

::blinks:: I want a cell! You can now program it to have the ringtone of "Just Communication!!!!" w00t!!

[guingel.livejournal.com]

lol. thank you :D

hmm. . . you're right! I'm just going to have to figure out how to work that! hey, nifty :D