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XD I'm rereading my first entries--back when no one else was reading my journal. I was so. . . giddy! lol. ::blinks:: Wait. . . No, but I really was more giddy--I said "hehe" a lot. And talked about fanfiction a lot. . . I was way into anime at that point. And neopets, which is kinda funny. I don't know. I get nostalgic way too often for a 17 year old. Anyway, it occurs to me that it's probably not just the 14-year-old-ness (actually technically 15--for a month or so) that makes those entries like they are. I mean, look at this paragraph. Phrased very badly. And I guess I seem kinda giddy a lot because lately, if there are bad things, I've tried to ignore them til they go away--like, pretend they don't exist. Because there are no big problems, and I'm having such a good summer vacation. . . although actually, thinking on it, the main reason my entries have been so happy (and possibly kind of pointless) lately. . . with some exceptions. . . is because there really hasn't been anything else to post about. Small problems, like I said, but they're the kind it's better to ignore. I also haven't been doing that much thinking or anything lately. I'm. . . complacent. I should be fat and sit in an armchair all day. Ooh, wait. I basically do--the computer chair is an armchair.
I don't really like being 17 (i wrote this thought earlier in that first paragraph--then I went back and added more so nothing flows ;). I liked being 16 better. 16 was a better balance between adult and kid. I'm really nervous about college and applications and the college search and all the many things i have left to do. But I was thinking about it, and I reached the comforting conclusion that I definitely don't want to be any other age, which is nice and neat. (by the way, I just read some more old entries and I'm definitely addressing things to people--and this is definitely before anyone was reading my LJ. . .) Like, it was really a relief. I was thinking "Augh, I'm growing up and soon I'm going to be on my own and I have to do all this stressful college carp" and then I was thinking if I'd want to be 14 or 15 again and realized definitely NO. So, even though I have some tough stuff to do ahead of me (like moving out. did I mention moving out?), I've also left some rough times behind me. I mean, I'm almost done with high school. And sophomore and junior years are supposed to be the sucky ones. And I don't have to have Friedman for a teacher again. Maybe it's just my inertia, but I'm trapped going forward and I like it. Luckily. I mean, I'm really scared about college, but hopefully by that time I'll be ready, and in the meantime I think I'm well-suited to what's coming ahead for me. Except for this whole college search, which, as you may have noticed, I hate!
haha, in old journal entries I say stuff like "OMG". At least I've outgrown that! I still say lol all the time though. I'm going to be saying lol til I die. Online, that is. Not like the girl in Something Positive that scared off Jason (too lazy to find the exact comment). Come to think of it, I probably still do a lot of annoying online bad grammar/strange slang type things. I hate affectations and when people sound pretentious or contrived, so I hope I don't do that. But I do have capitalization problems. I try to be good with grammar, but they no longer teach it and I've yet to read my Warriner's grammar book, so I'm not sure how to do anything. ::blinks:: Sorry, it's late. I mean that any other mistakes aren't online things, they're just me not knowing how to speak or write correctly (note use of "correctly" and not "right". . . cos that just sounds silly).
Whoa, somewhere in there I started doing what I said I didn't do at the beginning of the entry. The thing is, most of my thinking is introspection, because, well, I'm self-centered. lol. Well, also because it's something that I can talk about, that I can't offend anyone or. . . well, that's not quite right. It's not offending I'm worried about, it's being misinformed and judgemental and what-not. But I know myself, so, uh. . . nyah? It's late and I had a long day. lol. I mean, I doubt myself and my introspection in many ways because often it's about how I relate to others, and I can't really tell that. I mean, I can't tell that. Period. lol. Anyway, my point at the start of this paragraph was that I haven't been posting thoughts lately because I have indeed become complacent, and I haven't really been thinking about myself as a person. It can be dangerous. I'm not even sure what I need to be working on. Selfishness, I think. And, as always, laziness! But that's not really a personality type thing. I mean, like, in terms of me interacting with other people. I don't know. Lately it's been easier to just leave things as they are. I haven't thought seriously, about myself or others, in quite a long time. Which can be dangerous. Cos I have all these theories about the world and all, but sometimes I need to exercise them in order to, like, keep them in mind. And update them and shape them based on new experiences.
I had a lovely time in the city with dad, by the way. And bought good comics--two littel 80 page giants :D One of them is All Star Comics--just too cute! The other is Secret Origins of Super Villians, and is rather darker. And then we got a Catwoman collection, because I love the new series, and a cool thing by Charles Vess and assorted authors. Uhm. Ballads, that's the name. And this book about inking :D And we got a Hellboy lunchbox! Which I'm going to use if Katie doesn't. lol.
Dad told me I was good company, which was really nice :) Katie and David met us for lunch and dinner, and I went to J&R with them (I got Harvey!! And Boys for Pele, a Tori Amos CD) but they went to the Museum of Natural History for a bit and I was too tired, and they didn't come in until lunch, so it was pretty much me and dad and I had a really good time. Dad really does find me entertaining, I think, and enjoys my company, so that feels good :) Warm fuzzies!
update--I'm reading some more old entries, and wow. . . I was totally different about sex and kinks and stuff. ::blinks:: It's kind of weird, cos I haven't really added, uhm, any sexual experiences to my, well, experience since them. I think I'm having trouble phrasing things because I find myself adopting the writing styles of things I'm reading, and I'm reading all my old entries. lol. Usually i can't, I get too embarassed--but at least at the very beginning no one else was reading! I don't think I'd still be here if that were the case--I might not even have lasted a year. I'm a closet exhibitionist and a not-so-closeted comment whore ;)
I don't really like being 17 (i wrote this thought earlier in that first paragraph--then I went back and added more so nothing flows ;). I liked being 16 better. 16 was a better balance between adult and kid. I'm really nervous about college and applications and the college search and all the many things i have left to do. But I was thinking about it, and I reached the comforting conclusion that I definitely don't want to be any other age, which is nice and neat. (by the way, I just read some more old entries and I'm definitely addressing things to people--and this is definitely before anyone was reading my LJ. . .) Like, it was really a relief. I was thinking "Augh, I'm growing up and soon I'm going to be on my own and I have to do all this stressful college carp" and then I was thinking if I'd want to be 14 or 15 again and realized definitely NO. So, even though I have some tough stuff to do ahead of me (like moving out. did I mention moving out?), I've also left some rough times behind me. I mean, I'm almost done with high school. And sophomore and junior years are supposed to be the sucky ones. And I don't have to have Friedman for a teacher again. Maybe it's just my inertia, but I'm trapped going forward and I like it. Luckily. I mean, I'm really scared about college, but hopefully by that time I'll be ready, and in the meantime I think I'm well-suited to what's coming ahead for me. Except for this whole college search, which, as you may have noticed, I hate!
haha, in old journal entries I say stuff like "OMG". At least I've outgrown that! I still say lol all the time though. I'm going to be saying lol til I die. Online, that is. Not like the girl in Something Positive that scared off Jason (too lazy to find the exact comment). Come to think of it, I probably still do a lot of annoying online bad grammar/strange slang type things. I hate affectations and when people sound pretentious or contrived, so I hope I don't do that. But I do have capitalization problems. I try to be good with grammar, but they no longer teach it and I've yet to read my Warriner's grammar book, so I'm not sure how to do anything. ::blinks:: Sorry, it's late. I mean that any other mistakes aren't online things, they're just me not knowing how to speak or write correctly (note use of "correctly" and not "right". . . cos that just sounds silly).
Whoa, somewhere in there I started doing what I said I didn't do at the beginning of the entry. The thing is, most of my thinking is introspection, because, well, I'm self-centered. lol. Well, also because it's something that I can talk about, that I can't offend anyone or. . . well, that's not quite right. It's not offending I'm worried about, it's being misinformed and judgemental and what-not. But I know myself, so, uh. . . nyah? It's late and I had a long day. lol. I mean, I doubt myself and my introspection in many ways because often it's about how I relate to others, and I can't really tell that. I mean, I can't tell that. Period. lol. Anyway, my point at the start of this paragraph was that I haven't been posting thoughts lately because I have indeed become complacent, and I haven't really been thinking about myself as a person. It can be dangerous. I'm not even sure what I need to be working on. Selfishness, I think. And, as always, laziness! But that's not really a personality type thing. I mean, like, in terms of me interacting with other people. I don't know. Lately it's been easier to just leave things as they are. I haven't thought seriously, about myself or others, in quite a long time. Which can be dangerous. Cos I have all these theories about the world and all, but sometimes I need to exercise them in order to, like, keep them in mind. And update them and shape them based on new experiences.
I had a lovely time in the city with dad, by the way. And bought good comics--two littel 80 page giants :D One of them is All Star Comics--just too cute! The other is Secret Origins of Super Villians, and is rather darker. And then we got a Catwoman collection, because I love the new series, and a cool thing by Charles Vess and assorted authors. Uhm. Ballads, that's the name. And this book about inking :D And we got a Hellboy lunchbox! Which I'm going to use if Katie doesn't. lol.
Dad told me I was good company, which was really nice :) Katie and David met us for lunch and dinner, and I went to J&R with them (I got Harvey!! And Boys for Pele, a Tori Amos CD) but they went to the Museum of Natural History for a bit and I was too tired, and they didn't come in until lunch, so it was pretty much me and dad and I had a really good time. Dad really does find me entertaining, I think, and enjoys my company, so that feels good :) Warm fuzzies!
update--I'm reading some more old entries, and wow. . . I was totally different about sex and kinks and stuff. ::blinks:: It's kind of weird, cos I haven't really added, uhm, any sexual experiences to my, well, experience since them. I think I'm having trouble phrasing things because I find myself adopting the writing styles of things I'm reading, and I'm reading all my old entries. lol. Usually i can't, I get too embarassed--but at least at the very beginning no one else was reading! I don't think I'd still be here if that were the case--I might not even have lasted a year. I'm a closet exhibitionist and a not-so-closeted comment whore ;)
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***HUGS***
Once there, after the first nerves, eveything slips into place and... no worries :) ***HUgs***
It is good to hear that you are so happy and having a nice summer vacation. Better to be happy than not methinks :) I hope everything stays happy and works out well for you, I am sure it will.
All my best wishes sent your way.
Mouse @-;-
Re: ***HUGS***
Date: 2003-08-05 09:41 am (UTC)Yes, I like being happy, even if I have to work at it sometimes. ;)
::hugs:: Thanks :)
no subject
Date: 2003-08-05 11:40 am (UTC)As for being selfish... well, we all are. And I think everyone gets to that stage where we don't think (or don't want to think) about other people or our own future. Hey, I've been in that stage for YEARS! lol (Yes, it's okay to use "lol", although, you may not want to go by what I do, since I still use "OMG". Heh.) Anyway, don't feel like you HAVE to perform for us, but do share your feelings if you feel the need to. ^_^
no subject
Date: 2003-08-05 01:33 pm (UTC)It's true. . . I mean, selfishness is kind of natural and you do want to think about yourself. I think at one point I decided if I were happy it'd be easier to make others happy and then just focused on the first part ;) At this point, though, I believe the things that are troubling me about myself are less about being a goodperson and more about being a good friend. Since I started my journal, I think friends have become more and more important to me, and my circle has grown tighter and tighter (especially in real life) so the friends I do have I value highly--and like a great deal, so i want to be a good friend too. And I can be quite self-absorbed and stuff sometimes. I zone out when people are talking to me. ::winces::
Also, sometimes lately I've been thinking about my journal, because I've just been writing down things that happen--like, listing the stuff I do. And that can be ok, and it'll help me remember stuff later, but I don't really need a journal to do that. It seems a bit pointless. Like, my journal used to be such a help to me, I could get my thoughts out and organized, and I started thinking about stuff. . . it was good. I should maybe try to do that again. If I have any thoughts to share ;)
lol--I used to be a total fangirl. I mean, I'm rereading my old entries, and if I came across someone who wrote like that now, I wouldn't want to be friends with them! XD I did a lot of the stuff that I don't like now. It's strange.
Anyway, thanks a great deal :D
Quickest of Notes.
Shoot, would like to type more here, but am being called away.
*Hgs*
Mouse @-;-
Re: Quickest of Notes.
Date: 2003-08-05 02:18 pm (UTC)That's true about the clothes. . . it's like, when I was in middle school I wanted to be "cool" more, so I'd try to fit in more than I do now, and now that I've grown up a bit more, I'm happy to be just myself, and I think I was silly back then. So it's probably a good sign--that I'm changing and everything. I hope. ;)
no subject
Date: 2003-08-06 07:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-06 03:07 pm (UTC)