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Quote from a Liar's Autobiography
I really like this bit:
Suddenly I feel like digressing for another moment about morality. I intend to publish here for the first time what I believe to be a missing portion of the New Testament. The papyrus manuscript, translated here from the orignal Greek, was discovered in 1979 by the author at Auckland airport. He was there in transit to Sydney, Australia on the 5th november whiling away a few moments, idly looking under rocks when the manuscript was given him by a Maori chieftain and toilet attendant.
The First Epistle of Paul the Apostle to the New Zealanders
A.D. 59 Chapter One
1 In which Paul castigateth the Antipodeans; 2, 3 empty showing of holiness; 4 of fornicators and abusers of mankind; 5 of poverty and tolerance; 8 exhorteth them to beware of false prophets.
1. Dear New Zealanders,
It has come to my attention from our brother Hillary, the Beekeeper of Auckland, that all is not well in your community.
2. What is all this nonsense about certain of your number kneeling down in front of crosses? That is naughty in the extreme; you've changed the glory of an incorruptible God into an image.
3. I understand that the very same people collect together in churches for the purpose of worship. Who needs it? God doesn't. I've asked Him; He's fed up with it, especially psalms, they give Him a headache and cause his teeth to strike together. Don't they realize their praise is meaningless? Why can't they concentrate on being better behaved towards one another and forget about this empty show of holiness? He also says, though don't quote me on this, 'They can stuff it up their arses.' He said that, not I. I, a mere mortal, would not have put it quite like that. I'm afraid I think too much about my earthly reputation; but I cannot help agreeing with Him.
4. About fornicators, adulterers, effeminates and abusers of mankind: I am constantly being misquoted on this point. I would like to state quite clearly that sex is nothing more than a way in which two or more people can have lots of harmless cheap fun, provided that they are clean and that the aim is not reproduction. The betterment of the lot of mankind is impossible without strict limits on reproduction, so don't make the mistake the rest of the world has made and overpopulate yourselves. Not everyone has to have children, for Christ's sake. He didn't have any, and I should know. If you really feel that you have to have children, then make sure that, as parents, you have no more than you can properly look after. I don't know how all this nonsense about counting souls got started, it just leads to overcrowding and poverty. Look, poverty isn't all it's cracked up to be; I think the old needle/rich man/camel story is being misunderstood out of context. Of course worrying about earthly possessions makes it difficult to concentrate on spiritual things but, dear friends, isn't it also difficult to concentrate on spiritual things if you are an ill-nourished, diseased down-and-out. The deprived may also become the depraved.
5. I've had a lot of trouble with this poverty idea in Rome where the notion unfortunately seems to be catching on that the Church should be richer than anyone else on the grounds that only they can handle it. Peter, for instance, scared Ananias and Saphirra to death for hard cash in the name of the Church. I said to him, 'Now that wasn't very Christ-like, was it?' And he told me to get stuffed as he was a Super-Apostle.
6. You seem to have made more progress in stamping out the primitive tribal mutilation of circumcision than they have in more venal communities, yet it is still recommended, so the Beekeeper tells me, by some wretched 'physicians' who seek to line their pockets or cling to their Judaic ancestry. . . .
7. Talking of tribes, from what I've heard, there could be more understanding and tolerance between the two main tribes in your islands. I hope this is heeded more than my letter to the Tasmanians. . . .
8. I exhort you to:
be empathetic;
be splendid;
be aware of your own ignorance, and, as always, beware of those who claim to lead you to better self-knowledge by taking your money.
Must finish now as I have to catch the post. Lots of love, P. Kiss, kiss, kiss.
(I really got a kick out of that, and I agree with most of it. . .)
Suddenly I feel like digressing for another moment about morality. I intend to publish here for the first time what I believe to be a missing portion of the New Testament. The papyrus manuscript, translated here from the orignal Greek, was discovered in 1979 by the author at Auckland airport. He was there in transit to Sydney, Australia on the 5th november whiling away a few moments, idly looking under rocks when the manuscript was given him by a Maori chieftain and toilet attendant.
The First Epistle of Paul the Apostle to the New Zealanders
A.D. 59 Chapter One
1 In which Paul castigateth the Antipodeans; 2, 3 empty showing of holiness; 4 of fornicators and abusers of mankind; 5 of poverty and tolerance; 8 exhorteth them to beware of false prophets.
1. Dear New Zealanders,
It has come to my attention from our brother Hillary, the Beekeeper of Auckland, that all is not well in your community.
2. What is all this nonsense about certain of your number kneeling down in front of crosses? That is naughty in the extreme; you've changed the glory of an incorruptible God into an image.
3. I understand that the very same people collect together in churches for the purpose of worship. Who needs it? God doesn't. I've asked Him; He's fed up with it, especially psalms, they give Him a headache and cause his teeth to strike together. Don't they realize their praise is meaningless? Why can't they concentrate on being better behaved towards one another and forget about this empty show of holiness? He also says, though don't quote me on this, 'They can stuff it up their arses.' He said that, not I. I, a mere mortal, would not have put it quite like that. I'm afraid I think too much about my earthly reputation; but I cannot help agreeing with Him.
4. About fornicators, adulterers, effeminates and abusers of mankind: I am constantly being misquoted on this point. I would like to state quite clearly that sex is nothing more than a way in which two or more people can have lots of harmless cheap fun, provided that they are clean and that the aim is not reproduction. The betterment of the lot of mankind is impossible without strict limits on reproduction, so don't make the mistake the rest of the world has made and overpopulate yourselves. Not everyone has to have children, for Christ's sake. He didn't have any, and I should know. If you really feel that you have to have children, then make sure that, as parents, you have no more than you can properly look after. I don't know how all this nonsense about counting souls got started, it just leads to overcrowding and poverty. Look, poverty isn't all it's cracked up to be; I think the old needle/rich man/camel story is being misunderstood out of context. Of course worrying about earthly possessions makes it difficult to concentrate on spiritual things but, dear friends, isn't it also difficult to concentrate on spiritual things if you are an ill-nourished, diseased down-and-out. The deprived may also become the depraved.
5. I've had a lot of trouble with this poverty idea in Rome where the notion unfortunately seems to be catching on that the Church should be richer than anyone else on the grounds that only they can handle it. Peter, for instance, scared Ananias and Saphirra to death for hard cash in the name of the Church. I said to him, 'Now that wasn't very Christ-like, was it?' And he told me to get stuffed as he was a Super-Apostle.
6. You seem to have made more progress in stamping out the primitive tribal mutilation of circumcision than they have in more venal communities, yet it is still recommended, so the Beekeeper tells me, by some wretched 'physicians' who seek to line their pockets or cling to their Judaic ancestry. . . .
7. Talking of tribes, from what I've heard, there could be more understanding and tolerance between the two main tribes in your islands. I hope this is heeded more than my letter to the Tasmanians. . . .
8. I exhort you to:
be empathetic;
be splendid;
be aware of your own ignorance, and, as always, beware of those who claim to lead you to better self-knowledge by taking your money.
Must finish now as I have to catch the post. Lots of love, P. Kiss, kiss, kiss.
(I really got a kick out of that, and I agree with most of it. . .)
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