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well. uhm. laura actually has angst.
Aug. 10th, 2002 03:10 amI'm depressed. And I figured I'd write a journal entry, since this happens so rarely.
now, I'm sure that some of this probably has to do with us all staying up so late (we went to Fiddler on the Roof, which was over at around 10:15, picked up friend at 11 (complications with driving and with leaving--we waited around a lot after it was over, it wasn't a 45 minute drive) then went to the diner to celebrate David's birthday until about 12:30, then went and chilled at Emily's til 1:30. Then David came back here.
most of this is caused by david. ::sigh:: he's done me major damage. ::sighs again:: (really. i'm kinda full of sighs right now)
and some of it is probably just a release of emotions. I mean, not only that dave triggered some things that have been weighing on me. and triggered paranoia. and caused me to question my personality. I just haven't really been depressed lately and I probably had a vent coming.
still. ouch. ::sigh::
he scolded me. just. ow. ugh. actually, he scolded me twice. and he made me think that I wasn't considering his point of view in an argument and just getting angry at him. I'm pretty sure that it's he who wasn't considering my point of view. which I'll get to in a moment because, I don't know, I don't see how this can be wrong. which is a cocky thing to say, and it's not like me, but i've thought it out pretty thoroughly in the past couple hours.
and he triggered this whole thing and made me feel like the bratty little sister. ugh. it was awful. it makes my stomach hurt. augh. augh.
and that kinda set off these third wheel feelings i've been getting. It's like, david tells a friend what he did today. "Oh yeah, I was hanging out with my girlfriend, and her sister." O.o I dunno. something seems off there. ugh. (sorry, I was thinking about what happened. . . I'm kinda off topic in my mind now)
what's worse is that I'm reluctant to say what really happened for fear that I was in the wrong. basically, I interrupted him and katie while they were making out. i didn't think this would be too much of a problem because they could hear me coming down the stairs. and david had said something to me before that I really wanted to respond to--when he scolded me the first time (for something that I believe he is more guilty of himself.) and I didn't know that he'd be staying for that long, as it was now around 2 PM, so I did not think that they would be doing anything too engrossing. ::blows out air:: I can't figure out the noise that goes with that. Kind of the "hoo." that I sometimes do.
i'm not writing this up well. cos a lot of it is how he said stuff to me and I can't really portray that except that it was rude and mean and made me feel awful. when I was younger, more so than now, if I was yelled at at school I'd feel awful. that's what i mean when i say scolded. kinda. obviously it's different. but he. . . ugh. treated me like I was a little kid, I suppose. and like I was stupid and rude and awful. and like i was the bratty kid sister. and like i was the third wheel. like i was annoying. and kinda. . . like i was getting in their way and would continue to do so because I'm such a stupid person who does stuff like that. bumbling idiot or something.
i dunno. i have complained to them about keeping it down in my presence (because i just don't know what to do or where to look and I just don't feel comfortable. like, very, very soon after they started going out they spent the whole afternoon on the couch while I was on the computer and i felt awful. and i went upstairs and cried a little bit.) (I cried a lot today) but i still think I put up with a fair bit. I don't really have anything to compare this to though. ugh. it was like. . . the implication that I'd make a habit of this and would need to be told not to. I've never interrupted them before--even though they go into katie's room and (even though it has no door, only a screen) I worry about her because I care and i love her and I'm a worrywart.
the thing before that, the first thing he scolded me about, was that. . . Well, we were having an argument. And I said that being in a society that looks at an action differently makes performing that action a different. . . action. Like, it has different implications and a different type of person would do it. I cannot see how he can disagree with this, but he did, perpetually. What we were talking about specifically is alcohol. And I said that being raised in a society that looks at alcohol differently will make drinking alcohol be a different action. It will do the same things, but the type of person who will do it is different, and what they think about doing it is different (which changes it a lot), and how/where they do it is different. If you go up to your kitchen and take a beer from the fridge and your parents know and don't mind, that is extremely different from buying six-packs illegally with friends and getting together in someone's garage and getting drunk. especially when you're in high school.
to be simpler, our society frowns on nudity. but if you were in a society that didn't mind about nudity at all, then running around naked there would be completely different than running around naked here.
and we had this discussion and david kept saying "no." like, no, no, it's the same, it's the same. (not exactly like that, to give him a little credit, but rather close, far as I can remember) So I got annoyed at him. It often feels like david isn't even listening to what I say.
And then later he brought it up. And he said that I get angry without even letting him have a chance to show his side of the argument (I don't think I prevented him from speaking, I think he just had nothing to say, although I could be mistaken in this. if I was interrupting him and he had a good argument then I'm pretty sure he'd have said something though. . . like, "wait and let me speak and finish and then you can argue") and that I don't listen to him or consider his point of view. and, oh, shame on me--the close minded bitch that won't listen to reason or even anything. (eh. that's what it felt like. I'm really worried. augh. augh. oh god. am I really like that? oh my god. that's what I've been working so hard not to be like. i do try to think when I'm having an argument and to consider the opposite point of view. I seem to remember, on at least a couple occasions, thinking about what he's said and giving him credit that at least part of it was right. I remember! I hope I didn't just make that up [hallucinate it?] because I so want it to be true. . . what he accused me of is something that I'm fighting very hard against and would hate to be like. I don't know. I've been having a lot of self esteem problems lately, as you may have noticed.)
i'm not exactly sure how to say this cos I feel like it might give the wrong feeling, but I've been kinda crying for a while and in little spurts when writing the entry. i'm starting to feel better though. at least now that I've gotten out what happened. I'm worried--of course, largely because of the new, gaping holes in my self-esteem--that I didn't do this at all fairly, and that I was biased and skootched things to my side. . . I did try my best not to but if my view of myself is all wrong then I did. (i thought it was worth noting that all the aughs and stuff were like, really what was going on in my head)
my stomach still feels funny. I'm not sure if this is an outside thing or if it's because his actions have literally turned my stomach.
shit.
ehm.
now, I'm sure that some of this probably has to do with us all staying up so late (we went to Fiddler on the Roof, which was over at around 10:15, picked up friend at 11 (complications with driving and with leaving--we waited around a lot after it was over, it wasn't a 45 minute drive) then went to the diner to celebrate David's birthday until about 12:30, then went and chilled at Emily's til 1:30. Then David came back here.
most of this is caused by david. ::sigh:: he's done me major damage. ::sighs again:: (really. i'm kinda full of sighs right now)
and some of it is probably just a release of emotions. I mean, not only that dave triggered some things that have been weighing on me. and triggered paranoia. and caused me to question my personality. I just haven't really been depressed lately and I probably had a vent coming.
still. ouch. ::sigh::
he scolded me. just. ow. ugh. actually, he scolded me twice. and he made me think that I wasn't considering his point of view in an argument and just getting angry at him. I'm pretty sure that it's he who wasn't considering my point of view. which I'll get to in a moment because, I don't know, I don't see how this can be wrong. which is a cocky thing to say, and it's not like me, but i've thought it out pretty thoroughly in the past couple hours.
and he triggered this whole thing and made me feel like the bratty little sister. ugh. it was awful. it makes my stomach hurt. augh. augh.
and that kinda set off these third wheel feelings i've been getting. It's like, david tells a friend what he did today. "Oh yeah, I was hanging out with my girlfriend, and her sister." O.o I dunno. something seems off there. ugh. (sorry, I was thinking about what happened. . . I'm kinda off topic in my mind now)
what's worse is that I'm reluctant to say what really happened for fear that I was in the wrong. basically, I interrupted him and katie while they were making out. i didn't think this would be too much of a problem because they could hear me coming down the stairs. and david had said something to me before that I really wanted to respond to--when he scolded me the first time (for something that I believe he is more guilty of himself.) and I didn't know that he'd be staying for that long, as it was now around 2 PM, so I did not think that they would be doing anything too engrossing. ::blows out air:: I can't figure out the noise that goes with that. Kind of the "hoo." that I sometimes do.
i'm not writing this up well. cos a lot of it is how he said stuff to me and I can't really portray that except that it was rude and mean and made me feel awful. when I was younger, more so than now, if I was yelled at at school I'd feel awful. that's what i mean when i say scolded. kinda. obviously it's different. but he. . . ugh. treated me like I was a little kid, I suppose. and like I was stupid and rude and awful. and like i was the bratty kid sister. and like i was the third wheel. like i was annoying. and kinda. . . like i was getting in their way and would continue to do so because I'm such a stupid person who does stuff like that. bumbling idiot or something.
i dunno. i have complained to them about keeping it down in my presence (because i just don't know what to do or where to look and I just don't feel comfortable. like, very, very soon after they started going out they spent the whole afternoon on the couch while I was on the computer and i felt awful. and i went upstairs and cried a little bit.) (I cried a lot today) but i still think I put up with a fair bit. I don't really have anything to compare this to though. ugh. it was like. . . the implication that I'd make a habit of this and would need to be told not to. I've never interrupted them before--even though they go into katie's room and (even though it has no door, only a screen) I worry about her because I care and i love her and I'm a worrywart.
the thing before that, the first thing he scolded me about, was that. . . Well, we were having an argument. And I said that being in a society that looks at an action differently makes performing that action a different. . . action. Like, it has different implications and a different type of person would do it. I cannot see how he can disagree with this, but he did, perpetually. What we were talking about specifically is alcohol. And I said that being raised in a society that looks at alcohol differently will make drinking alcohol be a different action. It will do the same things, but the type of person who will do it is different, and what they think about doing it is different (which changes it a lot), and how/where they do it is different. If you go up to your kitchen and take a beer from the fridge and your parents know and don't mind, that is extremely different from buying six-packs illegally with friends and getting together in someone's garage and getting drunk. especially when you're in high school.
to be simpler, our society frowns on nudity. but if you were in a society that didn't mind about nudity at all, then running around naked there would be completely different than running around naked here.
and we had this discussion and david kept saying "no." like, no, no, it's the same, it's the same. (not exactly like that, to give him a little credit, but rather close, far as I can remember) So I got annoyed at him. It often feels like david isn't even listening to what I say.
And then later he brought it up. And he said that I get angry without even letting him have a chance to show his side of the argument (I don't think I prevented him from speaking, I think he just had nothing to say, although I could be mistaken in this. if I was interrupting him and he had a good argument then I'm pretty sure he'd have said something though. . . like, "wait and let me speak and finish and then you can argue") and that I don't listen to him or consider his point of view. and, oh, shame on me--the close minded bitch that won't listen to reason or even anything. (eh. that's what it felt like. I'm really worried. augh. augh. oh god. am I really like that? oh my god. that's what I've been working so hard not to be like. i do try to think when I'm having an argument and to consider the opposite point of view. I seem to remember, on at least a couple occasions, thinking about what he's said and giving him credit that at least part of it was right. I remember! I hope I didn't just make that up [hallucinate it?] because I so want it to be true. . . what he accused me of is something that I'm fighting very hard against and would hate to be like. I don't know. I've been having a lot of self esteem problems lately, as you may have noticed.)
i'm not exactly sure how to say this cos I feel like it might give the wrong feeling, but I've been kinda crying for a while and in little spurts when writing the entry. i'm starting to feel better though. at least now that I've gotten out what happened. I'm worried--of course, largely because of the new, gaping holes in my self-esteem--that I didn't do this at all fairly, and that I was biased and skootched things to my side. . . I did try my best not to but if my view of myself is all wrong then I did. (i thought it was worth noting that all the aughs and stuff were like, really what was going on in my head)
my stomach still feels funny. I'm not sure if this is an outside thing or if it's because his actions have literally turned my stomach.
shit.
ehm.
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no subject
Date: 2002-08-10 06:43 am (UTC)I wish there was sommat I could do or say.
*bigg-hugg*
no subject
Date: 2002-08-10 09:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-08-10 08:54 am (UTC)So erm... give yourself a tub of ice-cream, grab a blanket, settle and watch your favourite film, and don't worry about him.
Do you normally get on with him? I mean, I've resolved myself to the fact I'm *never* going to like one of my friend's boyfriends (he's a Dreamcast snob, without even owning one, and he's doing Computer Science and he's... well, he thinks he knows best and doesn't take personal preferences into account when being up himself soo... ehh, never mind. :) ) so if it's not worth you two trying to be nice to each other, just avoid him. Doesn't mean you like Katie any less.
Okay, let's condense my waffle - basically, anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself isn't worth knowing. And it's okay to realise that. *nods*
no subject
Date: 2002-08-10 09:42 am (UTC)but normally we get on pretty well. I mean, he really likes me (or so he says). And he keeps wanting to know what I think of him and I can't tell him because sometimes the three of us have good times, and sometimes me and David have these great conversations, but other times he drives me absolutely crazy, and other times he messes with my head. . . Not just like this but occasionally he'll tease me, and I always take him seriously and he still hasn't caught on to that fact.
but katie was saying last night, when I was upset, that this is what she was worried about (she also said that she did not want him to scold me the second time--she had nothing to do with the first--that she was only mildly annoyed and all, so that helped.) that we'd fight and start to not like each other. Cos the three of us spend a lot of time together. . . I mean, just earlier that day we were playing both Diablo and Monkey Island together and it was fun. And Katie says she really likes having me along (cos then, according to her, she doesn't have to be so entertaining. . . it's a bit difficult to explain). So I definitely don't want to see him right now, but I'm not sure what will happen later.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-10 06:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-08-10 07:22 pm (UTC)today was weird. he sent me mail and whatever, taking back everything. O.o (the seed of doubt has already been planted, of course) and then he was on AIM and he went from being remorseful to eventually signing off on me when I was adamant that I did not want to have any more serious conversations with him. it's so weird. and now I'm uncertain. but no. I don't like the way they make me feel and all. And he loves to argue, but I don't. Except that now I feel bad cos I know he really enjoys our discussions. >.< (I also feel bad cos he was supposed to come over here and katie wanted him to, and I told him that, but then he was like "I just have a couple more things to say" and then he ended up signing off on me and he hasn't come over or anything, so now I feel kinda guilty on katie's behalf. actually, katie is really upset about this, so I feel bad about that too)
no subject
Date: 2002-08-10 07:30 pm (UTC)::sigh:: tomorrow me and emily are getting together to eat ice cream. I need that. this is annoying. if he wasn't going out with Katie I'd be happy just breaking off our friendship, I feel. . . but I can't possibly do that. and david gave the impression that he didn't want to until he signed off on me.
I don't know what to do. and it's annoying. he wants to go back to how it was but I don't think I do. gyaah.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-13 01:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-08-13 07:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-08-10 11:20 pm (UTC)And a sidenote, just what in the seven rings of hell is a dreamcast snob?
no subject
Date: 2002-08-11 07:33 am (UTC)I do feel better, and I'm going to go to a friend's house to eat ice cream today (if all goes well) so that should be good. And I think I'm going to do a little work on my Orc Campaign in Warcraft II.
Re:
Date: 2002-08-11 08:58 pm (UTC)Glad you're more on the upswing side of things.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-11 09:32 pm (UTC)me too :)