some practical stuff, some sappy stuff, some strange introspective stuff

Hello! It is Friday. I mean, this has no significance for me at the moment, because I work tomorrow, but it's still true. Damnation. Lost my train of thought.

Oh yes. I go back to school in a little more than a week. So today I'm going to work on my Gov assignment.

It's very hot. For once I'm actually not working on the hottest days. Tomorrow, when I will be working (I say work, but it is volunteering and it's also rather pleasant, but you know what I mean) it's supposed to be rather nice, if the front comes in tonight. Next week I think I'm working Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. Possibly not Friday, though, I might not be able to get a ride in! :(
( my busy life ;) )

So, as I mentioned, it's been two years since I got my livejournal. And I've grown up a lot in those two years, as was recently demonstrated to me by rereading my old entries. O_O lol. Anyway, some of that was due to me having a place to think and write down my thoughts and get things straight, and a lot of it was due to the amazing people I've met here and the great conversations I've had with them, both on LJ and off it. I mean, in two years I've posted 3,928 comments--I'm almost at 4,000! and recieved 2,698. That's a great deal of activity. And even though I'm going to be really busy this year, and have been really busy lately, I hope that I'll be able to keep up with livejournal better this year, because you guys are really important to me. :D

I'd like in particular to mention some people in particular, because I want to single people out. Even though it's rude, but probably most of the people who I don't mention either don't read my journal at all or aren't close enough to care. So you guys are the people who's journals I'm most interested in reading, and happiest to hear from, although there are a couple of you on there that I still want to get to know better! (i'm skipping people I know in real life)
aes256, cloudtrader, countryapple1x2, ffenics, floria_del_guiz, fuunsaiki, kheryn (you were my first LJ-met friend, by the way), meiran, renniekins, rhipowered, rhonio, roiben, tckma, tiggspanther, and, last but not least, tossblack. Also the_leewit, who is once again MIA :(
I know, it's a long list, but you should still feel special--it's less than half my friends list!

I know that was kind of a silly thing to do, but I have been wanting to tell you guys that you're particularly special out of those I've met. If I used a friends grouping of the journals I most wanted to read, it would consist of you guys.

Anyway. ;) Me and dad were talking in the car, and he was being so sweet and really giving me warm fuzzies, and telling me that he was really proud of me because he feels that I'm myself. . . like, I don't try to be someone else, I'm happy with who I am and everything. I don't know. It was just really cool. And I definitely would be a totally different person if I hadn't been exposed to all of you. That's phrased oddly, but you know what I mean. I'm not so much trying to say thank you here as to state the truth, because that's the way it is, and to summarize two years of livejournaling. I always get sentimental around anniversaries ;) I guess I find every year that I'm still an active member on LJ pretty amazing. That I actually kept a journal for two years. I think that two or three weeks was probably the farthest I've gotten with a written journal. The difference is because of a variety of reasons. I like to know that what I'm writing is going to be read, most of the time. I also am on the computer a lot anyway, so. . . Plus, typing is far easier than hand writing for me. Much quicker, too! But I think one of the main reasons is you guys, because if you look through my junior year, there are about three posts per month. If I didn't have other people's journals to read, I probably wouldn't have come back at all. Like, even when I wasn't posting myself, I was commenting, or at least reading. I don't think I could leave, because I would lose so many friends. But, of course, I also just like to write. I love to talk about myself, and on my journal I can do it and no one can stop me, because it's my journal. And that's the point! ;) Comments, I don't know about.

So, the next thing I want to work on in the coming year is my self-esteem problems. I can be concieted, so I like to keep that in check, but I'm really becoming rather ridiculously insecure, and probably annoying. lol. There I go again. I mean, there's probably some problem below this that I have such a hard time believing that my friends actually like me. . . maybe something that's happened before, or maybe just the way the people I know react around me. Outside of Bethpage, I often feel rather boring. I don't know if this is me, or my friends, or what. I mean, it's got to be me at least partly. Anyway. . . I was going to say that this isn't just becoming a problem because I constantly doubt the sincerity of people's feelings (which is actually my kind of payback for getting annoyed and disliking people so easily--I assume that others are the same way). It's also becoming a problem with scholarships. I keep getting alerted about scholarships, and I'll see some that I qualify for, but I don't try to enter. One of the reasons is just pure laziness, but a lot of it is that I really don't think I can win them. And I might have a chance, but I always have to believe that there's someone else who'll be able to write a better essay on the topic or something. Because, like, while I do very well in all my subjects, I'm not brilliant at anything. This isn't something that I talk about a lot because it's difficult to explain and obviously very silly considering how well I do and all, but it's true. I mean, I am happy with the way I am, it's just true. There's nothing that stands out, nothing that I'm particularly good at. Like, in my science and math classes there are kids who are just amazing and can work things out really quickly and well. Although I did do rather well in problem solving, come to think of it. lol. But like, there were three kids who built this amazing Rube Goldberg device and stuff. And in English there are kids who are just amazing writers, and so creative and funny, kids who can ad-lib, or write great poems and stuff. You know? I can't do any of that, and I'm not complaining--there are certainly many kids in my classes who can't even do what I can! But there it is, and that's why I feel reluctant about entering scholarships and competitions and stuff. (it also doesn't help with choosing, say, what I want to study in college, but that's also a good thing because I can also study whatever I'd like--I'm not limited, you know.)

Anyway. . . I got a bit off-topic there. . . that's what I'd like to work on. But I also don't want to become totally vain, I'm already somewhat self-absorbed, and I don't want to lose my perspective of myself. O.< Although there are obviously some problems with it. But I don't like people who have no self-awareness. I guess this sounds kinda silly or something, especially because I'm kinda uncertain about what I even want to say. . . Oh well. Anyway, I'm going to get dressed and then we're going to go to Barnes and Noble. I'm also up to World War I in Dutchess of Duke Street. 1915! It's been 15 years since the start of the show.

by the way, I've had 521 entries in two years. But I just looked at this post and I had 403 in the first year, so I've really gone light this year. Oh well. Also, if you look at the entry, you'll notice that I felt the same way about my friends then as I do now! :D Before I got LJ, I didn't quite understand what people meant when they said friends are the most important thing in their lives and stuff. Although that was partially due to my small but high quality circle of real life friends, too. :D I'm such a sap. I hope you guys don't mind my overaffectionate-ness. I know it's kinda ehhh when someone cares about you more than them. . . I get this from my dad's family. Mom's side shakes hands, dad's side hugs and kisses ;)