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i feel like i should stop pretending that i don't whine too much. yeah. . .
I feel down. I know why, but it's still not a really good reason. I'm stressed - and distressed - about the roommate search. I feel like there really aren't good options, the people who I've heard from have not been good possibilities, and the only good possibility thinks she probably doesn't want to move out so soon. I'm worried because it seems like it's really just not a good time to find a roommate, a really off-period where no one is looking to relocate. If I don't find someone by Feb 1 and have to pay for the apartment alone for one month, it's not such a big deal as long as Kelly is ok about it, but I'm worrying that I won't find someone by then either.
I guess I'm just feeling really hopeless and pessimistic for some reason. Tiredness?
Anyway, I was worrying on the phone to my dad about this and he said that I shouldn't worry, that they're not made of money but they'll be able to help me out til I find a roommate. What if that isn't until May, though? Or later? People seem to think I'm far from the city and don't want to live here, and I'm pretty picky myself about who I want to live with, after what happened. Til May is at least $2,700. That's so much money to be whisking out of my parents bank account - my dad is nearing retirement, so the more they spend now, the less they have saved then. Now, my dad worked for the government and will have a pretty healthy pension, so it's not like they were planning to live off their savings, but really, my family cannot comfortably afford for me to live in a $2,000/month apartment by myself. If I pay it, I would be living off my savings because it would be my entire paycheck every month. I have savings, but I also might want to go back to school at some point, I don't just want to suck away at them, and I don't want to have to be thinking about money all the time.
I told my dad I would feel bad if they spent that much on me - granted, compared to my education it's a tiny amount, and they paid that for me. Anyway, he said basically that helping me out is something he'd be happy to spend money on, and that I shouldn't worry about it, and that money is overrated. It made me cry on the phone, and it made my cry when typing this up. (for the record, this is because I was so moved.) I really don't have any right to be feeling down, and I know that - it's just a funk I can't quite shake off today. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, except perhaps a little jealousy of some wealthy people I know. I just, like. . . knowing that my parents will be there for me is an incredible thing, knowing how much they love me. But in this case it's not as much comfort as it usually is, knowing that they'll help me. Because what I want to avoid is having to have them help me. Worst comes to worst I'll move back home for a while - it seems unlikely, but that's what happens if I really can't stay here. But I don't want to have to do that. Partly because I hate the idea of going backwards, of failing at being independent (that should probably be in quotes, to be honest) but also partly because I know they're proud of me for going out and getting myself a job and moving out and stuff, and they wouldn't be disappointed if I couldn't find a roommate and couldn't afford to live here, but I wouldn't have that "I made it" pride sort of thing. (Actually, come to think of it, I still feel like the worst case scenario is Kelly staying. XD)
Ahh, money is overrated. If I have to live cheaply and save up and not buy myself DVDs or clothes or do expensive activities (which i don't do much anyway) then I can handle it, especially in the short term. It'll make me feel better about working overtime. XD At the same time, I feel like I've always been careful with my money, not to spend too much and stuff like that, so that I would have financial security and wouldn't have to worry about it too much. Oh well.
And maybe it'll turn out ok. Maybe I'll contact someone who seems like they wouldn't be a great roommate, but they actually are perfect. Maybe someone will contact me. Maybe Allison will decide she does want to live here, at least til the summer, when I'll probably have better luck.
Anyway, I need to fill out some forms and write a check and a note and I need to wash my dishes but i just don't have the energy right now. D:
Thinking about what I wrote, I feel the need to add an addendum of some sort. . . mostly i've just got a general bad feeling today, although it is linked to the roommate search and I am stressed about that. I had a lot of nervous energy and it ended up all being used on really negative emotions (even though I feel like a flake saying that), like I got really angry at 3 inoffensive people on the subway, so I was just left feeling sort of gross and shriveled inside. It's weird. I don't have the energy to be happy right now but I also was able to use the nervous energy to sing along to some music really loudly so it's an odd mix. If I could just use it to write that check. . .
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I only recorded the really negative aspects above, but that isn't all that's going on in my head tonight. I'm just not snapping out of things the way I should, I think.
I guess I'm just feeling really hopeless and pessimistic for some reason. Tiredness?
Anyway, I was worrying on the phone to my dad about this and he said that I shouldn't worry, that they're not made of money but they'll be able to help me out til I find a roommate. What if that isn't until May, though? Or later? People seem to think I'm far from the city and don't want to live here, and I'm pretty picky myself about who I want to live with, after what happened. Til May is at least $2,700. That's so much money to be whisking out of my parents bank account - my dad is nearing retirement, so the more they spend now, the less they have saved then. Now, my dad worked for the government and will have a pretty healthy pension, so it's not like they were planning to live off their savings, but really, my family cannot comfortably afford for me to live in a $2,000/month apartment by myself. If I pay it, I would be living off my savings because it would be my entire paycheck every month. I have savings, but I also might want to go back to school at some point, I don't just want to suck away at them, and I don't want to have to be thinking about money all the time.
I told my dad I would feel bad if they spent that much on me - granted, compared to my education it's a tiny amount, and they paid that for me. Anyway, he said basically that helping me out is something he'd be happy to spend money on, and that I shouldn't worry about it, and that money is overrated. It made me cry on the phone, and it made my cry when typing this up. (for the record, this is because I was so moved.) I really don't have any right to be feeling down, and I know that - it's just a funk I can't quite shake off today. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, except perhaps a little jealousy of some wealthy people I know. I just, like. . . knowing that my parents will be there for me is an incredible thing, knowing how much they love me. But in this case it's not as much comfort as it usually is, knowing that they'll help me. Because what I want to avoid is having to have them help me. Worst comes to worst I'll move back home for a while - it seems unlikely, but that's what happens if I really can't stay here. But I don't want to have to do that. Partly because I hate the idea of going backwards, of failing at being independent (that should probably be in quotes, to be honest) but also partly because I know they're proud of me for going out and getting myself a job and moving out and stuff, and they wouldn't be disappointed if I couldn't find a roommate and couldn't afford to live here, but I wouldn't have that "I made it" pride sort of thing. (Actually, come to think of it, I still feel like the worst case scenario is Kelly staying. XD)
Ahh, money is overrated. If I have to live cheaply and save up and not buy myself DVDs or clothes or do expensive activities (which i don't do much anyway) then I can handle it, especially in the short term. It'll make me feel better about working overtime. XD At the same time, I feel like I've always been careful with my money, not to spend too much and stuff like that, so that I would have financial security and wouldn't have to worry about it too much. Oh well.
And maybe it'll turn out ok. Maybe I'll contact someone who seems like they wouldn't be a great roommate, but they actually are perfect. Maybe someone will contact me. Maybe Allison will decide she does want to live here, at least til the summer, when I'll probably have better luck.
Anyway, I need to fill out some forms and write a check and a note and I need to wash my dishes but i just don't have the energy right now. D:
Thinking about what I wrote, I feel the need to add an addendum of some sort. . . mostly i've just got a general bad feeling today, although it is linked to the roommate search and I am stressed about that. I had a lot of nervous energy and it ended up all being used on really negative emotions (even though I feel like a flake saying that), like I got really angry at 3 inoffensive people on the subway, so I was just left feeling sort of gross and shriveled inside. It's weird. I don't have the energy to be happy right now but I also was able to use the nervous energy to sing along to some music really loudly so it's an odd mix. If I could just use it to write that check. . .
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I only recorded the really negative aspects above, but that isn't all that's going on in my head tonight. I'm just not snapping out of things the way I should, I think.