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Journal Birthday (belated)
Aug. 21st, 2006 11:06 pmThis journal was created five years ago yesterday. The last couple years I haven't been so regular with LJ as to remember to do this, but the years before I'd do a little "how have I changed in the past year and how has livejournal contributed to that/my status on LJ and in the LJ community" introspective post. Actually, in 2004 I posted this list of people on my friends list that I feel particularly close with, and a couple of them I'm not friends with anymore, and one of them, whose journal has been deleted, I don't even remember at all. But nevermind that!
Anyway, currently I have 35 friends, three of whose journals have been deleted. 41 people count me among their friends (I'm pretty picky, cos I try to at least look at all the entries that are posted. so if you post excessively or annoyingly or I don't know you at all, I'm unlikely to add you). I'm a member of 34 communities, 8 of which I watch, and 3 syndications. Although one of them I was interested in the journal when it was syndicated, and I added it cos it was syndicated by a friend which I thought was neat, but now i feel it gives a disproportionate impression of my level of interest in the journal.
Of the 35 friends, I knew 15 of them in real life before I friended them on livejournal. One of them is secretly me. I've met three in real life since meeting them on LJ first (actually 5 because two of the three have two usernames).
This will be my 840th journal entry. Still not a thousand. But, you know, I make up for in quality what I may lack in quantity ;). That's 168 per year on average, although it's probably more like 600 in the first two years or something. I've posted 5,910 comments and received 4,281. I'm proud that my amount posted is still greater than the amount received, even though I've been such a poor commenter lately--i guess that shows how involved I used to be.
Since starting college, and even my senior year of high school, I haven't posted that much. I certainly haven't posted regularly. A lot of months have 3 or 4 posts. Occasionally bursts of activity when school lets out, dropping again when I start work. But I feel like, even if this isn't exactly true, that I've posted more regularly this summer than I have in a while. And in getting back into the swing of the livejournal community, and the particular mode of communication and relationship, i've noticed that I feel quite different about it than I used to.
Part of it is that, even though I've been reading people's entries, without the opportunities for conversation afforded by me leaving comments, I've grown more distant from my livejournal friends. Which is sad, because back when I was a prodigious livejournal user, I felt really close to a lot of you. Luckily, I've always had real friendships that were also fulfilling, but it was great to get to know people of a variety of ages and backgrounds, from a variety of places. Reading your journals and talking to you via comments, I really got to see a lot of perspectives that I would never have been exposed to otherwise. That was, I think, really good for me. It's a very different type of friendship that develops over the internet. I know I'm different when typing--at the very least, for those of you who know me in person, I don't have to worry about speaking indistinctly. You have more time to think before you talk. IMing is very different than an in person conversation, or even a phone conversation, and comments are even more remote. You don't hang out with people online, you don't know their physicality or what they're like when they're having fun or anything. But through livejournal, you can get to know their thoughts well. You get, I guess, to see a different side of their personality. So it's not like it isn't a real friendship. Although it could be a friendship that won't work in person. Luckily I've done OK so far. Back when I frequented forums I was probably friendly with people I wouldn't like in real life.
Actually, I don't really like the LJ styles of a lot of my high school in person friends. I guess they're intended for people who know them in real life or something? Or it could just be a reflection of my general feelings of frustration for my high school friends (at the time, I mean, even). Actually, some of them are still on my friends list. But they post rarely and I've been assuming they no longer read my journal. I actually don't like when I'm not aware of who is reading my journal. Then someone I forgot about will comment and I have to quickly try to remember if I've said anything indiscrete about them. Occasionally I say things that I wouldn't exactly want someone to know I think about them and leave it public, because they don't have an LJ and I assume they don't read mine. But I link to it places, and they could be reading it. But it's never about, like, my friends or anything like that. So it wouldn't be a huge crisis, just awkward and a bit unpleasant.
ANYWAY!
I was saying that I feel differently about livejournal. And part of it is that I'm less invested in all your lives, I'm out of practice with commmenting. I've sort of forgot how to do it. And I sort of have to get to know you all again.
But I also feel differently about my entries. Sometimes I don't post because I'm too busy and tired. But since starting college, I've also wanted to share my thoughts less. I don't know why. A lot of the time when I'm writing, and it has been this way for a long time, but maybe even more now, it's because I want a record of nice things that have happened to me, or fun things that I've done. I want a record of my life. I do sometimes post how I'm feeling about something (for example: very nervous about going abroad!) or my thoughts on a subject--most often, as in this entry, myself. But it seems like even more than before, I'm mostly posting accounts of my activities. I don't know. . . It seems that would be less interesting to others, and I generally try to be aware that if I make an entry public, I am to some extent asking others to read it.
And I've felt differently about comments. I used to really want comments. And I still enjoy hearing what people have to say, but it feels less like receiving approval. I don't worry as much about whether or not I've said something that people will want to comment on. It's really interesting, and I'm not sure why it is. Like, it could just be a reflection of the fact that I feel a lot less insecure lately. So, not only do I not feel the need for comments as a measurement of how interesting and likeable and whatever I am, I also no longer need people to tell me that what I think is ok. Actually, lately it seems like I have to add too many disclaimers to statements--to reassure people that I know that it's ok, that I don't feel bad about it. It's probably at least partially my fault, as I'm sure i used to want reassurance over everything I said and did. But now, I think what I think. I do what I do. I'm ok with that. Like the previous paragraph, where I say that I know I'm asking others to read it. I don't need anyone to tell me that I should make my journal entries whatever I want, it's my journal, I'm not forcing others to read it, and I should be able to write what I want. What I actually want to be able to do is not have people reassure me of that, which is part of how my attitude towards comments has changed. I don't need to be told that I'm interesting, I don't need to be told that it's ok. I'm going to write what I want. Which is probably why I feel my entries have been more boring to others lately. Maybe I'm thinking about others less as I write them. Anyway, even in that whole post about looks, I wasn't hoping people would comment and tell me I'm pretty (not that I didn't appreciate that). I really do have problems evaluating my appearance. But I also can't trust what my friends tell me, so I knew it wouldn't help. I really did just post the reference pictures because if I was reading that, I would get very curious as to what the person who is talking actually looks like. Then later I got a little silly with them, but nevermind! ;) [By the way, in spoken english I always get completely off-topic and then can never remember what my point was. I think my LJ style may have somthing to do with that--here I can just scroll up and see what I was talking about!] In this case, my point is that it's been hard to demonstrate that I'm just ok with things. And I'm wondering if maybe it's a big change in me--like, I feel that my new attitude towards comments is a definite signal of some other type of more meaningful change. Which is cool.
Cos, I feel ok about the things I say. I no longer need other opinions to weigh against my own. Not that it isn't still interesting to hear others, but I feel more secure in my own ideas, maybe? Hahaha, that maybe sort of negates the previous statement, doesn't it? It's not that I'm ever sure I'm right. But I know that my opinions are what they are. They aren't being formed, I'm no longer weighing. I'm open to reevaluation based on new input, but I know how I feel. Actually, that's sort of weird cos right now I just feel sort of loose and ok about a lot of things. Like, I don't have a really strong opinion about many things, cos I'm exposed to so many strong opinions and I see everyone's point. So lately I've just been trying to see the complexities of different situations and take things as they come and trying not to get too set in everything.
Basically, my theory on living at this point in my young life is to see what bothers me, angers me, makes me embarassed for something, and so on, and try not to do that or be like that. Of course, if I don't meet the right assholes, I could still make mistakes, but that's not my only rules for life. But it actually sort of does work. Sometimes I can feel myself getting annoyed or bitter about something, or being annoying myself, and I'll sort of flash back to when I myself was annoyed at the same thing and I'll chill out. I don't know how well it works. . . I get, like. . . how to describe it? You know when the word "philosophical" doesn't mean "thinking about philosophy" but rather, like, when something bad happens to someone and they're philosophical about it? Like, sort of taking it in stride? it's sort of like that. It's more rolling with the punches than actually being ok with things. But we'll see how it works. I think that in the long run, it can have a positive effect on my outlook. I think I've used the words "positive" and "negative" more than I like here--they're so vague. But at least i'm not talking about energy. . . Anyway, my point was that if I get in the habit of not letting things bother me, that would be really good.
Anyway, back to the comments, and this isn't exactly related, but I have been feeling really good about myself. I've generally felt a real push to change, to become a better person. And it's always good to want to be a better person, and I hope there's still a desire for self-improvement. But I now, I think I actually consider myself a good person. I'm not selfless--in fact, I'm selfish. But I am getting better at anticipating or remembering how someone else might feel in a certain situation. I don't know, maybe not. But I've noticed a couple times that I should be trying to think about someone else, and then adjusting my plans or my attitude. So that seems like a good sign. I still hate sharing candy, and it's not like I'm going out of my way to help people, doing charity work or anything. But, I do feel like I think about others more than I used to.
Also, I think I feel better about myself these days--I really do just feel at peace with who I am. Although I actually do feel pressure to date. I just feel like I keep seeing things where they talk about people losing their virginity or having their first date or whatever, and it's always like "I didn't start dating til I was 17!! SO LATE!!" So even though it's not like I regret any of my decisions or feel unloveable (which i used to worry about), I do occasionally. . . maybe less than I used to, but then again, now I'm 20 so I feel more pressure. . . I do occasionally get impatient. I mean, I also feel ready for physical and emotional intimacy, although there are some things I'm still worried about (mainly my ticklishness and my unconventional sexuality).
Oops. There was going to be more to the first sentence of the last paragraph--"Also, I think I feel better about myself these days because I feel better about my friendships." I feel a lot more secure in my relationships with my friends from college. When I was in high school, I knew that my friends were causing me problems. And I didn't want to blame them completely, and I still don't. I was just insecure. And I know that to an extent, there isn't anything they could have done about that. But, now I feel a lot more sure that my friends generally like me and want to spend time with me. I know that a lot of me giving up my insecurities has to do, I think, with seeing carly and her insecurities and how much they bothered me and affected her friendships. So I realized that I just have to put them aside, and somehow it worked. Which is awesome. I mean. . . I'm not quite sure whether my friends now do anything in particular that makes me feel more sure that they like me--maybe it's just that I like them better. But also, my high school friends. . . starting at least in junior year, got really close with a lot of people that we didn't get along with that well. And it's not like Katie and forbade them from ever seeing their other friends. In fact, we never refused to hang out with them. When I say we didn't get along with them, it's not as though we fought. I know neither of us liked them (for those of you who went to my high school, I don't have a specific list--a lot of people from choir, I guess, but I don't really have anyone specific in mind. . .) and we didn't really love to spend time with them, we didn't share much of their interests or sense of humor. But I don't think we were all that outspoken about this. So, while I'm sure that Katie and I did indicate that we didn't really like a lot of their other friends (I'm talking mainly about Emily and Perin, our two best friends), we also didn't really give them reason to stop including us. Actually, that was mainly from the last summer before college, which is why I don't talk to any of them now. What happened during high school was that on a number of occasions, it would be clear that Katie and I were low priority and they would rather be with other people than us. It may not have been the cause of my insecurity, but it really, really didn't help.
Um, anyway. So, while I carry around some bitterness from high school, I just want to say that I generally had a good high school experience. In fact, at the time what made me most upset was a couple of really stupid teachers. OK, more than a couple. But it was the dumb teachers that upset me at the time, more than my peers. But, it is my peers that contributed more to my insecurities. Which I hope I'm now beginning to put behind me. Not that I'm not still shy. We'll see. I don't know.
What do you think? Next step of maturity, to leave off the "maybe's"? I like the wiggle room. it's more accurate. I can't really compare what I'm thinking as I write an entry now to what I was thinking when I wrote them four years ago. I'm barely conscious of what I'm thinking now, forget remembering how I used to feel. But I have theories and guesses. And I actually hope that I never pretend to be more sure about something than I actually am. Maybe I'll get better at identifying emotions, though.
OK, so I talked about my journal and my changed attitude toward my journal and about some of the ways in which I feel I've changed. I guess that's it. Damn, now it's the 22nd. I'm more late for my journal birthday than i was when i started.
Anyway. I'm going to watch Conan.
Oh, also, I've been packing and it's been somewhat stressful but I feel ok now. I'm still really nervous about lugging my suitcase around half of england but I feel better that I will be able to carry everything, even though it might not be great, and I'll be able to bring enough possessions to be comfortable.
And I'm completely crushing on Jason Mewes. He's clean now and he looks SO hot. I don't know. It's weird. He's really hot now. And I read this really long biography that Kevin Smith wrote about him and his life and his struggle with drugs and it was really fascinating and I really respect them both a lot now. I've also discovered that Kevin is really good-looking under his beard, too.
I forgot to mention--Brandeis David came over today to hang out. I had a really good time with him and Katie, even if he did beat me at Life. Then we went out to dinner with our parents, it was great fun. Although mom tried to convince me that I was experiencing a psychotic break from reality. XD
Also, i've been picking up all the loose dollar bills I find around the house and putting htem in my wallet. I think most of htem are mine anyway, but I've found about 15 dollars! Pretty nifty!
I've also decided to go visit Smith before I leave for England! I discovered that Katie was leaving almost two weeks before me, and I realized I'm going to get really lonely and will just freak out if I'm on my own. So I'm going to stay on Corey's couch for about 5 days. I feel really good about the decision. I wasn't doing it because I thought they'd all be busy but Corey said her training schedule didn't seem that vigorous. And I didn't want to travel. But if I bring my laptop it won't be that bad. And now that I've decided to go, I'm really excited and happy about it. I'm so glad I'll get to see everyone and be a small part of their junior year, and I'll get to see Lawrence House and Smith and meet Corey's boyfriend, and I'll have a distraction in the last couple weeks before I leave! So, yaaay!
Speaking of visiting, Katie's leaving tomorrow to go visit David in Philly. She gets back on thursday, so I'll barely have time to miss her, but it's triggered my sadness about us leaving for different countries soon. I get sad when I go off to Smith and she to Brandeis, so this is worse--although we'll see each other almost as much, I hope. I'll definitely be going to Paris, we have family there. And I found out she's actually leaving on the same day as she would have for Brandeis, so I feel better.
Spring semester is going to be rougher, but at least then I'll be more at home in Manchester--I hope!
Anyway, currently I have 35 friends, three of whose journals have been deleted. 41 people count me among their friends (I'm pretty picky, cos I try to at least look at all the entries that are posted. so if you post excessively or annoyingly or I don't know you at all, I'm unlikely to add you). I'm a member of 34 communities, 8 of which I watch, and 3 syndications. Although one of them I was interested in the journal when it was syndicated, and I added it cos it was syndicated by a friend which I thought was neat, but now i feel it gives a disproportionate impression of my level of interest in the journal.
Of the 35 friends, I knew 15 of them in real life before I friended them on livejournal. One of them is secretly me. I've met three in real life since meeting them on LJ first (actually 5 because two of the three have two usernames).
This will be my 840th journal entry. Still not a thousand. But, you know, I make up for in quality what I may lack in quantity ;). That's 168 per year on average, although it's probably more like 600 in the first two years or something. I've posted 5,910 comments and received 4,281. I'm proud that my amount posted is still greater than the amount received, even though I've been such a poor commenter lately--i guess that shows how involved I used to be.
Since starting college, and even my senior year of high school, I haven't posted that much. I certainly haven't posted regularly. A lot of months have 3 or 4 posts. Occasionally bursts of activity when school lets out, dropping again when I start work. But I feel like, even if this isn't exactly true, that I've posted more regularly this summer than I have in a while. And in getting back into the swing of the livejournal community, and the particular mode of communication and relationship, i've noticed that I feel quite different about it than I used to.
Part of it is that, even though I've been reading people's entries, without the opportunities for conversation afforded by me leaving comments, I've grown more distant from my livejournal friends. Which is sad, because back when I was a prodigious livejournal user, I felt really close to a lot of you. Luckily, I've always had real friendships that were also fulfilling, but it was great to get to know people of a variety of ages and backgrounds, from a variety of places. Reading your journals and talking to you via comments, I really got to see a lot of perspectives that I would never have been exposed to otherwise. That was, I think, really good for me. It's a very different type of friendship that develops over the internet. I know I'm different when typing--at the very least, for those of you who know me in person, I don't have to worry about speaking indistinctly. You have more time to think before you talk. IMing is very different than an in person conversation, or even a phone conversation, and comments are even more remote. You don't hang out with people online, you don't know their physicality or what they're like when they're having fun or anything. But through livejournal, you can get to know their thoughts well. You get, I guess, to see a different side of their personality. So it's not like it isn't a real friendship. Although it could be a friendship that won't work in person. Luckily I've done OK so far. Back when I frequented forums I was probably friendly with people I wouldn't like in real life.
Actually, I don't really like the LJ styles of a lot of my high school in person friends. I guess they're intended for people who know them in real life or something? Or it could just be a reflection of my general feelings of frustration for my high school friends (at the time, I mean, even). Actually, some of them are still on my friends list. But they post rarely and I've been assuming they no longer read my journal. I actually don't like when I'm not aware of who is reading my journal. Then someone I forgot about will comment and I have to quickly try to remember if I've said anything indiscrete about them. Occasionally I say things that I wouldn't exactly want someone to know I think about them and leave it public, because they don't have an LJ and I assume they don't read mine. But I link to it places, and they could be reading it. But it's never about, like, my friends or anything like that. So it wouldn't be a huge crisis, just awkward and a bit unpleasant.
ANYWAY!
I was saying that I feel differently about livejournal. And part of it is that I'm less invested in all your lives, I'm out of practice with commmenting. I've sort of forgot how to do it. And I sort of have to get to know you all again.
But I also feel differently about my entries. Sometimes I don't post because I'm too busy and tired. But since starting college, I've also wanted to share my thoughts less. I don't know why. A lot of the time when I'm writing, and it has been this way for a long time, but maybe even more now, it's because I want a record of nice things that have happened to me, or fun things that I've done. I want a record of my life. I do sometimes post how I'm feeling about something (for example: very nervous about going abroad!) or my thoughts on a subject--most often, as in this entry, myself. But it seems like even more than before, I'm mostly posting accounts of my activities. I don't know. . . It seems that would be less interesting to others, and I generally try to be aware that if I make an entry public, I am to some extent asking others to read it.
And I've felt differently about comments. I used to really want comments. And I still enjoy hearing what people have to say, but it feels less like receiving approval. I don't worry as much about whether or not I've said something that people will want to comment on. It's really interesting, and I'm not sure why it is. Like, it could just be a reflection of the fact that I feel a lot less insecure lately. So, not only do I not feel the need for comments as a measurement of how interesting and likeable and whatever I am, I also no longer need people to tell me that what I think is ok. Actually, lately it seems like I have to add too many disclaimers to statements--to reassure people that I know that it's ok, that I don't feel bad about it. It's probably at least partially my fault, as I'm sure i used to want reassurance over everything I said and did. But now, I think what I think. I do what I do. I'm ok with that. Like the previous paragraph, where I say that I know I'm asking others to read it. I don't need anyone to tell me that I should make my journal entries whatever I want, it's my journal, I'm not forcing others to read it, and I should be able to write what I want. What I actually want to be able to do is not have people reassure me of that, which is part of how my attitude towards comments has changed. I don't need to be told that I'm interesting, I don't need to be told that it's ok. I'm going to write what I want. Which is probably why I feel my entries have been more boring to others lately. Maybe I'm thinking about others less as I write them. Anyway, even in that whole post about looks, I wasn't hoping people would comment and tell me I'm pretty (not that I didn't appreciate that). I really do have problems evaluating my appearance. But I also can't trust what my friends tell me, so I knew it wouldn't help. I really did just post the reference pictures because if I was reading that, I would get very curious as to what the person who is talking actually looks like. Then later I got a little silly with them, but nevermind! ;) [By the way, in spoken english I always get completely off-topic and then can never remember what my point was. I think my LJ style may have somthing to do with that--here I can just scroll up and see what I was talking about!] In this case, my point is that it's been hard to demonstrate that I'm just ok with things. And I'm wondering if maybe it's a big change in me--like, I feel that my new attitude towards comments is a definite signal of some other type of more meaningful change. Which is cool.
Cos, I feel ok about the things I say. I no longer need other opinions to weigh against my own. Not that it isn't still interesting to hear others, but I feel more secure in my own ideas, maybe? Hahaha, that maybe sort of negates the previous statement, doesn't it? It's not that I'm ever sure I'm right. But I know that my opinions are what they are. They aren't being formed, I'm no longer weighing. I'm open to reevaluation based on new input, but I know how I feel. Actually, that's sort of weird cos right now I just feel sort of loose and ok about a lot of things. Like, I don't have a really strong opinion about many things, cos I'm exposed to so many strong opinions and I see everyone's point. So lately I've just been trying to see the complexities of different situations and take things as they come and trying not to get too set in everything.
Basically, my theory on living at this point in my young life is to see what bothers me, angers me, makes me embarassed for something, and so on, and try not to do that or be like that. Of course, if I don't meet the right assholes, I could still make mistakes, but that's not my only rules for life. But it actually sort of does work. Sometimes I can feel myself getting annoyed or bitter about something, or being annoying myself, and I'll sort of flash back to when I myself was annoyed at the same thing and I'll chill out. I don't know how well it works. . . I get, like. . . how to describe it? You know when the word "philosophical" doesn't mean "thinking about philosophy" but rather, like, when something bad happens to someone and they're philosophical about it? Like, sort of taking it in stride? it's sort of like that. It's more rolling with the punches than actually being ok with things. But we'll see how it works. I think that in the long run, it can have a positive effect on my outlook. I think I've used the words "positive" and "negative" more than I like here--they're so vague. But at least i'm not talking about energy. . . Anyway, my point was that if I get in the habit of not letting things bother me, that would be really good.
Anyway, back to the comments, and this isn't exactly related, but I have been feeling really good about myself. I've generally felt a real push to change, to become a better person. And it's always good to want to be a better person, and I hope there's still a desire for self-improvement. But I now, I think I actually consider myself a good person. I'm not selfless--in fact, I'm selfish. But I am getting better at anticipating or remembering how someone else might feel in a certain situation. I don't know, maybe not. But I've noticed a couple times that I should be trying to think about someone else, and then adjusting my plans or my attitude. So that seems like a good sign. I still hate sharing candy, and it's not like I'm going out of my way to help people, doing charity work or anything. But, I do feel like I think about others more than I used to.
Also, I think I feel better about myself these days--I really do just feel at peace with who I am. Although I actually do feel pressure to date. I just feel like I keep seeing things where they talk about people losing their virginity or having their first date or whatever, and it's always like "I didn't start dating til I was 17!! SO LATE!!" So even though it's not like I regret any of my decisions or feel unloveable (which i used to worry about), I do occasionally. . . maybe less than I used to, but then again, now I'm 20 so I feel more pressure. . . I do occasionally get impatient. I mean, I also feel ready for physical and emotional intimacy, although there are some things I'm still worried about (mainly my ticklishness and my unconventional sexuality).
Oops. There was going to be more to the first sentence of the last paragraph--"Also, I think I feel better about myself these days because I feel better about my friendships." I feel a lot more secure in my relationships with my friends from college. When I was in high school, I knew that my friends were causing me problems. And I didn't want to blame them completely, and I still don't. I was just insecure. And I know that to an extent, there isn't anything they could have done about that. But, now I feel a lot more sure that my friends generally like me and want to spend time with me. I know that a lot of me giving up my insecurities has to do, I think, with seeing carly and her insecurities and how much they bothered me and affected her friendships. So I realized that I just have to put them aside, and somehow it worked. Which is awesome. I mean. . . I'm not quite sure whether my friends now do anything in particular that makes me feel more sure that they like me--maybe it's just that I like them better. But also, my high school friends. . . starting at least in junior year, got really close with a lot of people that we didn't get along with that well. And it's not like Katie and forbade them from ever seeing their other friends. In fact, we never refused to hang out with them. When I say we didn't get along with them, it's not as though we fought. I know neither of us liked them (for those of you who went to my high school, I don't have a specific list--a lot of people from choir, I guess, but I don't really have anyone specific in mind. . .) and we didn't really love to spend time with them, we didn't share much of their interests or sense of humor. But I don't think we were all that outspoken about this. So, while I'm sure that Katie and I did indicate that we didn't really like a lot of their other friends (I'm talking mainly about Emily and Perin, our two best friends), we also didn't really give them reason to stop including us. Actually, that was mainly from the last summer before college, which is why I don't talk to any of them now. What happened during high school was that on a number of occasions, it would be clear that Katie and I were low priority and they would rather be with other people than us. It may not have been the cause of my insecurity, but it really, really didn't help.
Um, anyway. So, while I carry around some bitterness from high school, I just want to say that I generally had a good high school experience. In fact, at the time what made me most upset was a couple of really stupid teachers. OK, more than a couple. But it was the dumb teachers that upset me at the time, more than my peers. But, it is my peers that contributed more to my insecurities. Which I hope I'm now beginning to put behind me. Not that I'm not still shy. We'll see. I don't know.
What do you think? Next step of maturity, to leave off the "maybe's"? I like the wiggle room. it's more accurate. I can't really compare what I'm thinking as I write an entry now to what I was thinking when I wrote them four years ago. I'm barely conscious of what I'm thinking now, forget remembering how I used to feel. But I have theories and guesses. And I actually hope that I never pretend to be more sure about something than I actually am. Maybe I'll get better at identifying emotions, though.
OK, so I talked about my journal and my changed attitude toward my journal and about some of the ways in which I feel I've changed. I guess that's it. Damn, now it's the 22nd. I'm more late for my journal birthday than i was when i started.
Anyway. I'm going to watch Conan.
Oh, also, I've been packing and it's been somewhat stressful but I feel ok now. I'm still really nervous about lugging my suitcase around half of england but I feel better that I will be able to carry everything, even though it might not be great, and I'll be able to bring enough possessions to be comfortable.
And I'm completely crushing on Jason Mewes. He's clean now and he looks SO hot. I don't know. It's weird. He's really hot now. And I read this really long biography that Kevin Smith wrote about him and his life and his struggle with drugs and it was really fascinating and I really respect them both a lot now. I've also discovered that Kevin is really good-looking under his beard, too.
I forgot to mention--Brandeis David came over today to hang out. I had a really good time with him and Katie, even if he did beat me at Life. Then we went out to dinner with our parents, it was great fun. Although mom tried to convince me that I was experiencing a psychotic break from reality. XD
Also, i've been picking up all the loose dollar bills I find around the house and putting htem in my wallet. I think most of htem are mine anyway, but I've found about 15 dollars! Pretty nifty!
I've also decided to go visit Smith before I leave for England! I discovered that Katie was leaving almost two weeks before me, and I realized I'm going to get really lonely and will just freak out if I'm on my own. So I'm going to stay on Corey's couch for about 5 days. I feel really good about the decision. I wasn't doing it because I thought they'd all be busy but Corey said her training schedule didn't seem that vigorous. And I didn't want to travel. But if I bring my laptop it won't be that bad. And now that I've decided to go, I'm really excited and happy about it. I'm so glad I'll get to see everyone and be a small part of their junior year, and I'll get to see Lawrence House and Smith and meet Corey's boyfriend, and I'll have a distraction in the last couple weeks before I leave! So, yaaay!
Speaking of visiting, Katie's leaving tomorrow to go visit David in Philly. She gets back on thursday, so I'll barely have time to miss her, but it's triggered my sadness about us leaving for different countries soon. I get sad when I go off to Smith and she to Brandeis, so this is worse--although we'll see each other almost as much, I hope. I'll definitely be going to Paris, we have family there. And I found out she's actually leaving on the same day as she would have for Brandeis, so I feel better.
Spring semester is going to be rougher, but at least then I'll be more at home in Manchester--I hope!
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Date: 2006-08-22 10:56 am (UTC)Anyway, my friends complain that I pay more attention to LJ than to real life friends... but when most of them live in different states, it's difficult to keep up with their lives.
For what it's worth, I didn't start dating until I was 19... then had a hiatus until I was 22... and the pressure was torture.
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Date: 2006-08-23 01:24 am (UTC)yeah, it's hard for me to meet people. and it's not like I've had crushes, so that's ok. But when I get to really wanting a relationship, I'll probably do like you have and go to an online service. I just don't meet people. Now I don't feel the need to be proactive, even though I'd certainly welcome a relationship should I meet someone in which I am interested.
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Date: 2006-08-23 01:56 am (UTC)It gets A LOT harder to meet people once you're out of college.
*shrug* Jen knew someone who did semester abroad in Wales, met some British dude in class, and is now married to him and living in England. So... yeah.
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Date: 2006-08-23 06:41 pm (UTC)I just found out that I'm still in single-sex housing. So silly.
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Date: 2006-08-22 11:42 am (UTC)I'm going to miss you when you're at Manchester.
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Date: 2006-08-23 01:07 am (UTC)Oh man, I'm going to miss you so much! I was telling Steph how sad I am that you are all going to be having so many good times without me. Grrr. Don't have good times this whole year so I don't feel like I'm missing anything! (Uhh, just kidding. Just in case I somehow jinx you all? I knocked on wood to be sure.)
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Date: 2006-08-23 11:43 am (UTC)If I'm not allowed to have fun at Smith, you're not allowed to have fun at Manchester, okay?
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Date: 2006-08-23 06:23 pm (UTC)Actually, I'm a bit worried about how things will be in Manchester. then again, if I wasn't, I wouldn't be me!
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Date: 2006-08-22 01:28 pm (UTC)In other news... well, I like that you don't update very often, because when you do update, it is long and involved and thought-out like this, and while I absolutely love these entries every so often, I think if you updated too frequently I'd have to start skimming, and that's no fun.
Happy Belated LJ Birthday!
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Date: 2006-08-23 01:17 am (UTC)Actually, I might end up bedding down in your room one night? corey sort of email-muttered (which I didn't even think was possible) something about Mike and me actually getting sexiled for the first time in our roomie relationship!! XD It was very "We could maybe--and then mike--flip and study--Steph?" So hopefully you won't mind that, otherwise I'll have to, like, card into an upperclassman's room. Ooh, I could go into my old room. ::sniffle::
Anyway, I'm glad you like my quality versus quantity LJ-update system. Actually, mostly I'm glad you think they're quality! :) (If I updated more frequently, they would almost definitely be shorter! there would only be the occasional long thought-out entry. . . despite my tendencies towards circumstantiality.)
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Date: 2006-08-23 01:30 am (UTC)Quality is always way better than quantity... though you certainly wouldn't know I feel that way from my journal.
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Date: 2006-08-22 11:30 pm (UTC)Happy journal birthday!
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Date: 2006-08-23 01:19 am (UTC)